September

Oh, September with all the colors you come with, crisp air and with the promise of a new season to begin, you are beautiful just as you are.
I think this has always been a heavier month for me for different reasons.
This time I wanted so much for it to be different, I tried not to put any focus on dates or what once was. Or so at least I thought. I decided that this time it would be different. A change of attitude, a better mindset, embracing all the good, focus on positivity.
But even so, somehow my body just knew. I find it hard to explain. It has been as if every cell to my core just knew, even memories that almost been forgotten all came back to life in different ways. The life that once was, alive again.
So I have come to realize in spite of the rainy, cloudy days as this month of September is coming to its end.
That maybe this is what it is all about, for me. Time to go through motions. To feel. To somehow find new ways. Maybe it will always be like this for me? Maybe it all will change.

Familiar with the song “wake me up when September ends”? My theme song this month;)
There have been days when I had pain and sadness even grief going through my system not knowing when it would fade away. This time around I could not control it. I am a person who mostly can. But the feeling just kept linger on to me. I tried to keep myself busy, I tried to do fun things, I tried to sit and just feel, cry it out, meditate, yoga,  journal, talk.. The feelings I desperately wanted bid adieu of kept hanging on. So I came to acceptance with the fact that I could not push it all away. I just kept faith in that this to shall pass. That it is here for a reason and that it is all okey.
In my past until now, I might not have done things the right way in living life.  But there’s no manual on how to live a life I guess. We all do what we think is best.
It has not been an easy month in many ways. But as September is about to end, so has the grip of darker colors let go of my soul. I want to look at it in ways that the heavy parts was a form of a release to feel lighter again and finding a different way.
The beauty of it all is that in spite of all that has been. I do feel gratitude and happiness.
But at times I might get caught up in my own thunderstorms. That I miss out on spreading love and light I do feel towards life.
One learns new things about oneself all the time. I see beauty in it all. But there are days when I also don’t. That too is okey.
Just the other day I looked out the window because all of a sudden it became so dark mid day. From gray into becoming almost pitch dark the heaviest rain of them all came pouring down. All of a sudden it stopped. The colors on the sky changed from almost black to gray, to light gray,  white and blue and all of a sudden there it was, sunshine. And when you least expected it the most beautiful rainbow appeared.
Somehow I just felt that was symbolic of how this month of September has been for me.
It may not have been what I pictured it to be, but perhaps even better when looking back at it now somehow. There have been a lot of dark clouds, heavy rains but also sunshine and finally the true colors of my rainbow. Everything is exactly as they should be. It might go slow for me to reach my destination. But I’m still here getting there one step at a time.

Shine on//

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